A Pleasant Diversion
by Bilauli
Summary: There's never an evil, megalomaniacal villain around when you need one! It's up to Professor X to come up with a plan to counteract the cabin fever setting in around the X Mansion, and it's up to Hank and Kurt to buy the beverages!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't even own an X-men COMIC, let alone the X-men themselves. My brothers used to have X-men action figures back in the day, but who knows where those got to. But I digress. Marvel is my daddy.

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The sun rose, the first rays of light sweeping across the land as a new day began at Professor Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. The first birds roused themselves from their sleep and began singing, filling the air with sweet, pleasant song. One daring songbird flew to the highest branches of a nearby tree and fluffed himself up, preparing himself for his morning performance. With a deep breath, he burst into a warbling, trilling melody heard above all. His voluminous song rang out over-

ZAP!!

"Scott, you can be such an asshole when you wake up, you know that?"

Scott Summers grumbled incoherently, something about damned birds and their squawking, fumbling for his ruby visors on his bedside table. He put them on so as to contain his powerful optic beams (with which he had blasted the offending bird) and glanced out the window at the smoldering remains of the unfortunate virtuoso. Heaving a sigh, he rose.

"I may as well get up. I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep," he muttered, shuffling towards the door. Slowly he trudged into the kitchen to pour himself a bowl of his favorite low-sugar, high-fiber, 8-essential-nutrients cereal, a redundant glass of milk and another of orange juice, and sat down at the table among the few who were awake- Storm, who appreciated the beauty and spiritual significance of sunrise; Bishop, who preferred to be awake before his charges so he could be in proper form for his self-appointed duties as sentry; and Beast, ever the early-to-bed, early-to-rise type. As Bishop worked away at his omelette and Beast tucked into his bowl of dog chow, Scott fingered through the newspaper, already neatly separated into various sections. He cursed under his breath when he saw that Beast was currently in possession of the comics and Storm was flipping through the sports section. Suddenly Beast chuckled, wiping away a tear of mirth.

"Oh my stars and garters, Bucky Katt, you are such a CAT-alyst for trouble! Get it? CAT-alyst!," he laughed, glancing from person to person. Scott nearly drowned himself in his cereal bowl, his exasperated sigh actually bubbling in his milk as he hung his head. Storm simply rolled her eyes discreetly and Bishop, stoic as ever, displayed no reaction.

"Hey Ororo, are you finished with the sports section?" Scott asked, as Storm's blue eyes darted down to the bottom of the page.

"Yes, Scott. I am finished," she said, closing the pages and holding the paper out.

BAMF!

A puff of black smoke appeared and as it cleared, a lanky, blue creature with a long, snaking tail crouched on the table in front of Storm, its yellow eyes wide with glee.

"Oh yes! Ze sports zection! Danker, Storm," exclaimed Nightcrawler as he deftly snatched the paper from her hands.

BAMF!

He was gone again, leaving only a puff of black smoke, a confused looking Ororo, and a Scott who was growing redder and redder by the second. Bishop raised an eyebrow, not liking the the look in Scott's glasses. He would have to deftly diffuse the situation.

"Hey Scott, I overheard the Professor talking to Emma this morning. He was saying there seems to be a lot of cabin fever setting in," he said.

"I concur with the Professor's assessment. We have been uncharacteristically quiescent of late, so it is not inconcieveable that we should experience some discontentment over our stagnant situation."

"Beast, it's entirely too early for this. As leader, I command you to stop talking to me."

"All he means, Cyclops, is that things have been boring lately," Bishop translated.

"Mornin' y'all! Sorry ta eavesdrop, but Ah agree. Gets any deader 'round here, a funeral might break out," called a voice with a Southern drawl, and Rogue entered the room.

"I'll say. It's been, what, a whole week since we last dealt with Apocalypse or Magneto or the Sentinels," Cyclops mused.

"Yeah. At any rate, I believe the Professor wanted to see us all," Bishop informed them.

"Well, we better see who we can rouse out of bed. Let's go," Cyclops commanded.

"Wait! Ah gotta have somethin' to eat first. Ah got a hankerin' for some pancakes," Rogue protested. Immediately everybody froze in horror, staring in accusation, and Bishop produced a fair-sized firearm from his back pocket. Taking aim, he glared at Rogue, his eyes hard as stone.

"Ah mean griddles! Griddles!!" she immediately corrected herself.

"What is ground corn called?" Bishop hissed, not convinced.

"Grits!" Rogue answered hastily.

"What's worse than eating bacon?"

"Fatback!"

"Worse than eating fatback?"

"Cracklins!"

Bishop lowered his weapon, and Rogue sighed in relief. He gave her an apologetic smile.

"Sorry. Thought you were a spy of some sort. Force of habit," he said hastily.

"Alright Rogue, eat something. I may as well use this time wisely," Scott said, grinning evilly and wringing his knuckles. You can BAMF, but you can't hide, Nightcrawler…


	2. Chapter 2

"Jubilee. Child. It's time to wake up," Storm said, her voice a soft, maternal whisper as she cracked the door to the young teenager's room. Her only answer was a loud snore. Quietly, Storm eased the door open fully and tiptoed to the girl's bed. She looked down at her as she peacefully slumbered on. Gently, Storm shook her shoulder.

"Jubilee, wake up," she reiterated, and the girl's eyelids fluttered and opened.

"Morning, Ororo," she mumbled sleepily, rubbing her eyes

"Good morning, child. Scott wanted me to wake you," she said.

"'Kay. Just gimme five minutes to wake up here, OK?" she asked with a yawn.

"Very well," Storm said indulgently, and stole out of the room.

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"And how is our friend Logan this morning? Time to shake off your slumber and greet this glorious new- oh, my stars and garters," Beast exclaimed, covering his face to conceal his laughter. Wolverine was lying in his bed, curled into a tight ball and his rear end in the air. As Beast silently crept up on him, he noticed a copious amount of saliva dribbling from the corner of his mouth. And- what's THIS? Wolverine, the supreme warrior among the X-men, the fearless fighter who had never backed down from any challenge… had a stuffed bunny rabbit? With that, Beast abruptly turned on his heels, shaking with suppressed laughter, and fled from the room. He raced back to his own room to get his camera.

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"Alright Jubilee, it's been five minutes. It's time," Storm said, poking her head back into Jubilee's room. Her head jerked up from her bed.

"My leg fell asleep. OW!! I just need to sit here until the pins and needles go away," Jubilee called back. Storm's brow furrowed, but she nodded slowly.

"Very well. I shall give you a few more minutes."

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"LeBeau! The Professor has special plans for us today. Wake up," barked Bishop, marching into Gambit's room. The balled-up blanket squirmed slightly, and a black eye with a red iris glared at him for a moment out of a peephole. Gambit muttered something in his Cajun accent. Probably "keep your pants on", or something to that effect.

"Get out of there. You're needed," Bishop responded, and Gambit poked his head up.

"Yeah, yeah, jus' give a guy a second t' wake up, non?" he said, rubbing his eyes.

"Come on, LeBeau. I've got no time for this," Bishop growled ominously. He advanced on the man lying in the bed, whose eyes widened suddenly.

"No! I ain' getting' outta dis bed 'til you get out!" Gambit screamed, curling defensively.

"I'm warning you, I'm in no mood for-" Bishop yelled back, grabbing Gambit's blankets and yanking them. The Cajun thief grappled with the burly, dark-skinned man for the blanket, but to no avail. With a grand flourish, Bishop extricated the blanket from his quarry's grasp, thus exposing Gambit.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

...All of him.

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"I am losing my patience, Jubilee. I have been lenient so far, but it is time to get up!" Storm commanded, pacing outside of Jubilee's door. She cocked her head to listen.

No response.

"Young lady, this is your final warning! You WILL get up NOW!" she boomed.

No response.

"That does it. I am coming in there," Storm warned, and opened the door.

"Zzzzzzz... Zzzzzzz... Zzzzzzzz..."

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"Oh Hi Scott! I'm not quite finished mit ze newspaper, so you'll just need to read ze funnies until I'm finished. ...Scott? Vas is ze matter? OH SCHEISSE!!"

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CLICK!

"ZZZZ... huh... what was that noise, Mr. Hoppity?"

"A moment truly worth immortalizing..."

SNIKT!!

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"You happy now?"

"Believe me, LeBeau, I intended to find out as much as I could about you... just not THAT much..."

"Fils d'une salope..."

"Erm... if it's any consolation to you, I HAVE seen much worse..."

"Oh merde, dat's IT!!"

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"JUBILATION LEE!!"

"zzzzz... zzz... huh? Oh, Storm! Geez, I must have fallen asleep again! Why didn't you make sure I got up?"

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"It's been too long since we've had a celebration around here. Aren't my X-men going to be excited! I can't wait to get started," Professor Xavier beamed.

"Looks like you're not in for too long of a wait," Emma Frost said, her hand to one of her temples. Jean Grey also put her hand to her head and concentrated.

"Yes, any second now. ...Professor, you may want to move out of the way," Jean cautioned, and Xavier hastily relocated himself. And not a moment too soon.

Beast burst into the room, scrambling on all fours, Wolverine hot on his heels. With a BAMF Nightcrawler appeared in the room, placing himself under the Professor's protective custody as Cyclops blasted a hole in the wall, creating his own door. Bishop nearly collided with them as Gambit, now in a pair of boxer shorts, charged in after him, throwing charged cards every which way. They were followed almost immediately by Jubilee, squealing with fear as Storm flew in after her, screeching like a banshee.

"STOP!" roared Professor X. It wasn't just a suggestion; he used his mental powers to freeze them in place and keep them from damaging each other. He glared sternly at them.

"Now, there will be time enough for this nonsense later. But if you will be so kind as to pay attention, children, the Professor has something to say," purred Emma, fixing her eyes on each of them in turn.

"This is a prime example of the unexpended energy going around here lately. As soon as you have any time on your hands, you're at each other's throats. But not to worry, I have the perfect remedy for that," he said, smiling ominously.

"Let's have a PARTY!"

Eyes darted back and forth in puzzlement.

"Now don't go anywhere, Jean and Emma and I will see if anyone else is interested. Oh, Gambit, you can go get dressed," he said, releasing Gambit from his mental hold. The four of them left the room, leaving the rest frozen and unable to move their bodies.

Gambit hesitated at the door and, after a few seconds, ran towards the group of frozen mutants and, manipulating Cyclops's arm and hand, made him stick his own finger in his nose. Sniggering, Gambit hastily retreated.


	3. Chapter 3

"Alright X-men, our mission is to prepare for the party. I have prepared a list of provisions that we need to secure. Now remember, we will all return here by 1400 hours in order to prepare the mansion, and by 1700 hours we should be able to commence."

"Yer actually usin' MILITARY TIME ta plan a party??" asked Rogue.

"It's necessary to work this out carefully before we do anything in order to make sure this goes off as smoothly as possible," Cyclops retorted. "Now, as I was saying, we'll split into groups. Rogue, Storm, Jubillee, Shadowcat, you will be in charge of interior decorating."

"He's even using our CODE NAMES!" Kittie groaned, rolling her eyes in dismay.

"Wolverine, Gambit, you will have NOTHING to do with buying the beverages. Your job will be to prepare the dinner. I've prepared a list of appetizers and entrees I feel would be appropriate," Scott droned on, handing the two their lists.

"Hey Cyclops, dis reminds me. I ain' seen my bo staff lately. Can you lend me dat stick you got lodged up your ass?" Gambit muttered. Cyclops shot him a dirty look, which went mostly unnoticed behind his glasses. Wolverine growled.

"Beast, Nightcrawler, YOU will be in charge of buying beverages," Cyclops ordained.

"Bishop, Colossus, Iceman, you three will be in charge of buying the food. I've prepared you a list of items as well," he continued, and the three took their pieces of paper.

"Now, we only have three hours to get ready, so we should depart as soon as possible.

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11OO hrs

"Alright, Rogue and I shall go and buy some decorations. In the meantime, Kitty and Jubilee, can you relocate some of this furniture? We shall need room to move."

"No problem," Kitty said, smiling. "We can tidy up first."

"Excellent. We shall return," Ororo said as she left the room.

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"What is this crap?" Logan snarled, staring at the list. "I hate devilled eggs!"

"We all hate dem, homme, considerin' what dey do to Beast," Gambit added. Both shuddered at the recollection.

"OK, it's unanimous. No devilled eggs," Wolverine asserted, scratching the item off the list with one of his ademantium claws.

"Well, DAT was easy. What else he got on de list?"

"Of course, you know Cyke's gonna be mad," Logan said as an afterthought. "You're right, what else is on that list?"

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"I am somewhat perplexed as to why the Professor elected us to purchase the alcoholic beverages. I must confess that I am out of my element here. Oh, to have Logan or Remy with us, that they may benefit us with their expertise..." Beast said, bemoaning his fate.

"Yes, zat ees most unfortunate. I alzo do not know much about alcohol," Kurt moped.

"And we are forbidden from contacting them, which I suppose is fair, considering what transpired LAST time those two were in charge of drinks..."

"Mein Gott, please don't remind me. I was certain mein room vould never be ze same," Kurt groaned, shaking his head as if to banish the thought. "And all zose ducks... zose poor, poor ducks..."

"They are in a better place now, my friend," Beast said sadly, patting Kurt's shoulder.

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"What is this? ...Celery sticks? Baby carrots? Is Scott planning a party or a health food lesson?" Bobby scoffed, his eyes scanning the list.

"I vill not eat Pate de Foie Gras. You do NOT vant to know how dat ees made," replied Piotr in his booming Russian voice.

"Well forget this," Bobby said, crumpling up the list and dropping it unceremoniously into the garbage bag inside Bishop's car. "We need to get some REAL snacks."

"I vant gummi bears!" Colossus exclaimed gleefully.

"OK, that's a start. We'll get a big tub of gummi bears, candy, some chips, nachos, pretzels, cheezies, dips, pop..."

"Actually, I want celery sticks. I like mine with nothing on them," Bishop finally spoke. An uncomfortable slience followed as Bobby and Piotr glared suspiciously at Bishop.

"You would," muttered Bobby under his breath.


End file.
